Peter O’Toole HTFU Award
Cyclists get the hump in Oman
Didn’t see Lawrence of Arabia calling a halt to proceedings because of a little sandstorm, did you? The modern-day peloton has gone so soft that even a disgusted Eddy Merckx couldn’t whip them into shape in Oman. Just because Alexandr Kristoff got attacked by a rat blown out of a tree and nobody could actually stay upright doesn’t mean you cancel the stage. Exploding tyres? Pah! Get a grip.
Last Tango in Paris Award for Slippery Surfaces
When a janitor with a long-handled mop starts leaning over the railing and frantically dabbing away at the banking during the track World Championships, something’s not right. Before we Brits get too smug about the French’s inability to keep water off the track at their shiny new velodrome in the Parisian suburbs, it’s worth remembering the torrential downpour during the 2012 Olympics that led to similar scenes at London’s equivalent. Oh, and the fact that the home nation kicked our backsides 5-0 in the gold medals department. A slightly soggy “chapeau”.
Peter Sagan Award for Sexist Claptrap
"How do YOU like it, Pete?"
The organisers of E3 Harelbeke take this one for their gratuitously attention- and arse-grabbing poster for this year’s upcoming edition. We won’t be going. And, no, we won’t be posting a shot of the poster either.
The David Copperfield Award for Disappearing Bicycles
You gotta hand it to the bike thieves in Southern France. When they do a job, you know you’ve been done. Last year, Team Sky got cleaned out of Pinarellos at the Tour de Haut Var. This year, it was Cult Energy’s turn – 16 Ridleys, spare wheels, tools, you name it, they took it. Any team receiving an invite to next year’s race will be quaking in their cleats.
Gerald Ratner Tasteless Tat Award
Pump it up?
Our runaway winner at the recent London Bike Show is this freebie pen-cum-syringe handed out to promote the Swiss winter resort of Verbier. Next year, a scalpel to slash our wrists, please.
STAT’S THE WAY, UH HUH UH HUH
Etixx-Quick Step 11
BMC Racing Team 2
Number of wins so far this season for UCI top-ranked team BMC and Etixx-Quick Step, 14th.
Six burly sprinters, three tandems, all on the track at the same time? What could possibly go wrong?
Spartacus versus The Cannibal. A ding-dong in the desert as Cancellara presses for cancellation, while Merckx tells the riders to grow a pair…
When lead-outs go wrong. Dan McLay wins. By accident.